


I am a horrible boyfriend

by TheAbsoluteWorst



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Caring Enjolras, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Indications of self harm, Indications of suicidal tendencies, M/M, No graphic mentions, Sad Grantaire, indications of depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-31
Updated: 2017-10-31
Packaged: 2019-01-27 11:11:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12580476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAbsoluteWorst/pseuds/TheAbsoluteWorst
Summary: That time Enjolras realised he is a horrible boyfriend. Or also known as that time Enjolras cooed Grantaire out of a scary place---This is a very self-indulgent fic I wrote while I was struggling with myself. Basically it's just what I would like to happen to me when I'm on the verge of giving up.





	I am a horrible boyfriend

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first (publiched) work so please be kind and leave lots of feedback.

If anyone asked Enjolras what was more important to him, himself or the cause, he would say the cause without missing a heartbeat. Similarly, if anyone where to ask him if he ever missed any meetings, Enjolras would look at them like they’d grown a second head. For Enjolras, the ABC- and thus the cause- was the most important thing in his life. He had worked very hard, too hard, harder than anyone else to reach the point in which they were now. Although sometimes he missed the days when it was only him and his friends, organizing small protests and not having a clear destination, now they had many members- even a subscription- and they knew, mainly, what they were doing, opting instead for volunteering work and community service.

That’s why he was more surprised than anyone else when he shot a text at Combeferre asking him to lead the meeting that day. He was more surprised than anyone else when instead of taking train number 6 to go to the Musain, he turned on his heel and hurried out of the train station. He was more surprised than anyone else when he lied through his teeth to Combeferre saying he was sick, an obvious lie because he didn’t miss meetings not even on days he was sick. But he didn’t feel guilty. He didn’t even have the time to. He turned off his phone after informing Combeferre he wouldn’t be going to the meeting and rushed elsewhere. 

About forty-five minutes later he was in front of a familiar door, leading to a familiar apartment. He knocked once, then twice, rush turning to fear as no one answered the door. He knocked again, this time louder. He thought about turning on his phone again to call the inhabitant of the apartment, but he didn’t want to have to deal with Combeferre and the others who would definitely be blowing up his phone right now. Thankfully, the door swung open this time, an unkempt looking Grantaire standing there. He was about to say something but stopped when he saw Enjolras. “Hey” Enjolras greeted Grantaire giving him a small smile “Can I come in?” Grantaire moved away from the door sheepishly and Enjolras made his way in the small apartment.

Untidy was an understatement. Grantaire was never the tidiest but right now it was even worse. Clothes were scattered everywhere and there were mounts of trash here and there, as well as dirty dishes. Grantaire was standing awkwardly in the small entrance space, while Enjolras had already moved to the small kitchen that was even dirtier (trying not to show the disgust on his face as he set down the bags of delivery). He called out to Grantaire “are you not joining me?” 

Moments later Grantaire made his appearance leaning, this time around, awkwardly against the arch that connected the small kitchen space with the living room. “I brought us Chinese takeout and also pastries” Enjolras said as he made room on the kitchen table for two plates. Grantaire was not looking at him, he wasn’t even looking up at all. Enjolras eyed him warily for a moment. He looked tired. There were big purple bags under his eyes, which looked unusually hooded. The hollow of his cheeks was more prominent as he looked like he’d lost weight. He was pale and unshaved, even more so than usual. His hair looked greasy and stuck in all kinds of awkward positions. He was wrapped in a big fluffy blanket (Enjolras realized it was the one he had bought him with the help of Courfeyrac and Jehan last Christmas) but he could peak at dirty, probably long-worn clothes underneath.

In short, Grantaire looked a mess. Enjolras suppressed the need to sigh. He closed his eye momentarily. “Aren’t you going to sit?” he asked him trying to remain clam. Grantaire made his way over to the table slowly and sat down still not looking at Enjolras. “Do you want sweat-sour pork feat or black bean noodles?” Enjolras asked. Grantaire bit his lip and quietly took the noodles. Enjolras already knew he would. He calmly got out of his chair, making Grantaire look at him for the first time, eyes wide and worried. Enjolras gave him another reassuring smile and said “I just have to go to the bathroom for a second. You can start without me” Grantaire looked down again and Enjolras quickly made his way to the bathroom.

Unlike the rest of the apartment, it was clean and kept together. He knew Grantaire hated it when his bathroom was dirty, Enjolras had made a mental note to ask about it months ago but he hadn’t managed to bring it up casually since, so he still didn’t know why. He let out the deep sigh he had been keeping since arriving and hurriedly looked around for signs of something he dreaded even thinking about. He found nothing and he momentarily was relieved. Then he flushed the toilet to make it look like he had done his business and was about to walk back out but remembered to turn on the hot water before doing so. 

Shortly, he had joined Grantaire who had instead waited for him. They ate in silence, Grantaire still not looking at Enjolras. After they had finished their food Enjolras looked at Grantaire. Grantaire who had been staring at him till then quickly looked away. “Hey” Enjolras said taking Grantaire’s hand that was on the table “I have a favor to ask you” Grantaire looked at his quizzically “Do you think you can go wash up? I turned on the hot water for you…if you want I can join you…”He said. No matter how many times he had to do this, asking Grantaire to do things like these felt a little rude to him.

However, Grantaire nodded before slowly getting up and going to the bathroom. Enjolras followed him. Grantaire started at him from inside the bathroom, still as a rock. “I take it you don’t want me to join you right now…well then. I want you to stay in the shower for as long as you need to. Preferably long, I’m not going anywhere, ok?” He asked. Grantaire nodded and Enjolras left him to himself. He didn’t know how long he had, so he quickly got to work tiding the place up.

A little over 45 minutes later he heard the water turn off. He quickly went to the now tidy bedroom and got new clothes for Grantaire. He knocked on the bathroom door and called out from outside “Taire, I got you clean clothes.” The door opened ever so slightly and a hand reached out. Enjolras handed Grantaire the clothes and went back to washing the dirty dishes. He had cleaned up mostly everything. Dirty clothes were all piled in a corner to be put for laundry. Trash was picked up and thrown out. The dishes were mainly washed and Enjolras had even cleaned up a little in the living room area.

A little while later, Grantaire emerged behind Enjolras startling him. Enjolras looked a little breathless over his shoulder to Grantaire and let out a small laugh “You are ready? God, you scared me a little, sneaking up on me like that”. Grantaire remained silent but this time he was eyeing Enjolras, who quickly finished up washing the dishes. Once he was done he walked up to Grantaire until he was standing right in front of him, their height difference suddenly painfully obvious as Enjolras towered over the other man. Grantaire looked down at his feet making Enjolras let out a small sigh “Grantaire?” Silence “Taire, look at me” Grantaire shifted a little but his gaze remained cast downwards “look at me R, please” Enjolras pleaded taking Grantaire’s chin in his fingers and forcing him to look up.

At least, he thought, once his head was turned upwards, Grantaire didn’t look away from Enjolras “You don’t have to talk to me but I would like it if you at least looked at me, yeah?” Enjolras asked gently. He noticed Grantaire had also shaved…or maintained his beard…”Why?” Grantaire asked bitterly these having been the first words he’d spoken the whole evening. Enjolras was taken back by the question. He hesitated for a moment but then took in a deep breath looked at Grantaire in the eyes and said “Because I want you to look at me. Simple as that. I like it when you look at me…and I want to be able to see your face” Grantaire looked down again. Enjolras sighed again. “What movie do you want to watch?” He asked but was met with silence again. “Grantaire? Any preferences? Are you going to let me choose again? Last time you complained about the movie I picked for a month…”Enjolras said trying to lift the mood 

“Why aren’t you at the meeting?” asked him Grantaire. Enjolras froze on his feet. “Are you guilty? Is this why you are here?” Grantaire’s word cut through the air and straight through Enjolras’s soul. The first time this had happened he was angry at the accusation. Now, however he knew Grantaire was just saying it…his self-consciousness taking the better of him. “No.” Enjolras said in, what he hopped, was a firm tone “I am here, because I had to learn from Jehan that you were…down” Grantaire scowled “So you are guilty” “No, Grantaire. I am worried” Enjolras said walking the short distance back to him to be face-to-face with him. “You wouldn’t have to worry about anything, if you weren’t guilty” Grantaire said taking a step back “Or are you here to feed your ego? Like I’m some cheap charity case? You only ever contact me when I ‘need’ your help…” Enjolras closed his eyes. It wasn’t all lies, he had asked Grantaire if he could go under the radar for a couple weeks because he was busy, so yeah maybe he felt a little guilty. 

“Ok” Enjolras said “Maybe I am a little guilty. That doesn’t mean I am not as much, or more, worried.” Grantaire flashed with anger “Why?” he yelled tears forming in the corners of his eyes “because your little experiment failed? Because you couldn’t make me better so now you have to start over? Or was it because-“ Enjolras cut him off by pulling him in a hug. Grantaire’s face was against his chest and he buried his face in Grantaire’s neck breathing slowly. “No” He whispered this time. He was close to tears himself “because I am sorry” Grantaire stiffened under him and then instantly relaxed “because I knew it was a hard period for you, but instead of being there for you, I asked you to leave me alone for a while. Because I didn’t notice sooner. Because I ignored your call two days ago and today and because I am generally such a bad boyfriend” Enjolras added hugging Grantaire tightly “So yeah, I was very guilty I treated you like that and worried if you were ok and scared you’d done something stupid again and a million other emotions I never felt before. That’s why I’m not at the meeting, because Jehan texted me shortly after you called and asked me if you were ok and my heart dropped to my knees, because I should have been here.”

Grantaire let out a shaky breath. “You have every right to ask for some distance…I don’t own you…” he said finally. Enjolras only squeezed him tighter “no” he said weakly “I shouldn’t have. I wouldn’t have liked it, if you did it to me either. I had no right…not at a time like that, when you were struggling with work and your family.” “It’s really fine” Grantaire said and Enjolras let go, for the first time angry that afternoon “it’s not fine!” he said sternly “it’s not fine, because I love you but I keep messing up showing you” Grantaire took in a shaky breath and looked down. Enjolras eyes him warily. Had he said something wrong? He leaned closer again and then he heard Grantaire say, barely over a whisper “say that again…” Enjolras smiled and hugged Grantaire again “I love you” he said close to Grantaire’s ear and Grantaire hugged him back tightly. 

They stayed like that for a short moment until Grantaire’s body shook a little and a hiccup was heard. Enjolras realized Grantaire was crying. He sighed on his neck and pulled Grantaire the short distance over to the couch where he had him sit. Enjolras kneeled on the space between Grantaire’s legs on the floor. Grantaire was hiding his face. Enjolras pulled Grantaire’s hands away from his face and whipped his tears “Shhh” he reassured him “it’s ok, I’m right here. Come on, let it all out.” He took Grantaire’s hands in his own and kissed his wrists, then his knuckles. He moved to sit next to Grantaire on the couch, turning to hug him again. Grantaire hugged him back instantly, hiding his face on the crook of Enjolras’s neck. Enjolras kissed the top of his head and his temple and run his hand up and down Grantaire’s back in circles to comfort him.

“I missed you” Grantaire said not moving “I know” Enjolras said “I missed you too. Come on, let’s watch that movie” Grantaire nodded but didn’t move. Enjolras let out hearty laugh “Taire, you need to move for that to happen. What movie do you want to watch” Grantaire let go “A Disney one” he said. Enjolras went in the kitchen and brought the pastries and then he also brought Grantaire’s laptop and his blanket. They settled on the couch together. Grantaire wanted to be as close to Enjolras as possible so they spooned, with Grantaire in between Enjolras’s legs, his back on Enjolras’s chest. The laptop was balanced on Grantaire’s knees and Enjolras had his arms snaked around Grantaire. They watched ‘Lillo & Stitch’ and the ‘The princess and the frog’. Enjolras occasionally kissed Grantaire’s neck, or shoulder, or temple, or anything he could find to kiss, really. His fingers rubbed Grantaire’s stomach and at some point Grantaire let one of his hands rest down, Enjolras intertwining their fingers instantly.

After some hours Grantaire fell asleep and Enjolras carried him to his bed, laying him down gently before joining him. They slept close to each other, limbs tangling here or there. The next morning Enjolras woke up first. He spent a good five minutes just looking at Grantaire sleeping (as creepy as that sounds). He looked peaceful when he slept. Happy even. Enjolras slipped out of bed quietly and went to the kitchen to make breakfast. He was halfway frying some bacon when he felt arms hug him from behind. “I thought you left” Grantaire said quietly. “I am not going anywhere and good morning to you too. Breakfast?” Grantaire nodded and helped set the table. Purring them coffee and putting toast on the toaster. Later and while they were cuddled on the sofa watching something unimportant on TV, Enjolras remembered his phone. He turned it back on to a million missed calls and messages, mainly from Combeferre and Courfeyrac, although he saw every one of his friends’ names at least once. “What’s wrong?” asked Grantaire glancing at Enjolras’s phone “Nothing.” He answered “I just didn’t tell them why I wasn’t going yesterday” Grantaire frowned “Why?” he asked. Enjolras looked at him and smiled “I didn’t have the time to come up with a good excuse in my panic so I just turned off my phone” Grantaire snorted “wow, so smart” he said sarcastically and Enjolras was just glad to see him slowly go back to his usual self. He quickly typed in a message on the group chat before turning off his phone again. 

 

“Grantaire was feeling down. Had to go.”

 

If anyone asked Enjolras what was more important to him, himself or the cause, he would say the cause without missing a heartbeat. Similarly, if anyone where to ask him if he ever missed any meetings, Enjolras would look at them like they’d grown a second head. Well at least until last year. Now Enjolras would probably answer differently. Not because the cause wasn’t as important to him anymore, or because he was getting bored. Simply because he now had something more to protect than just the cause. Something just as, if not more important. That’s why neither he nor his friends were surprised when he texted he wouldn’t make it to the meeting suddenly a chilly autumn afternoon months later.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know if any of you have been in a similar situation but I just sometimes want someone to do exactly this to me. I don't know, I guess it could be a little ooc but I really like the way it came out. Not to be misuderstood I do not believe that mental illness can be healed just with the help of a person or love. However, as a mental patient myself, there are times when I crave human attention, love and I want to be cooed. I don't know if I am explaining myself properly but this is not treating this is just dealing with with the condition.


End file.
